Transcript of a phone conversation Trump had with Lasange after the inauguration ceremony

Well this is how I imagined it would go:

Presidential Stuff
(phonecall with Julian assange)

20 January 2017

Lasange: Hey, Mr. Trump, congrats on the fancy new house.Things were looking a little dicey there at the end. But that billion dollar grass roots approach really worked. You brought the alt right Patriots out from under their rocks and out of their bunkers and out of the woodwork.

Well I couldn’t have done it without the help of my friends on the super alt left either. I know it got some people’s panties in a wad but when my choices were partner with the Enemy or Hillary Clinton, i asked myself, “what would Churchill do?”

Well I’ll tell you what he did when Europe was fighting with the Nazis and the fascists – he teamed up with Stalin to take out Hitler first because the Nazis were the biggest problem. Stalin still got what was coming to him eventually. Don’t repeat this but I refer to her as “Hitlery” to my wife.



Hold on a second. Enrique put it right over there in the corner. no, not that one, that one, no the corner… put it in the corner of my office. Si.

Oh speak of the devil… I’m adding my personal touch to the Oval Office and some wetback kid just brought my Churchill bust into the room. May he continue to inspire me.

Lasange: so what’s first on the agenda for the Trump administration?”

Trump: first things first. I am exacting an executive order to make the secret service give me back my android phone. this blackberry is just not built for tweeting. I mean, it doesn’t even have speech to text! America loves me, they love transparency! it would be a shame to deny her my off-the-cuff tweets.

after that I’m going to tweet my victory #secretdiservice

Lasange: hmm.

Trump: next I’m going to call up Enrique nieto and ask him when I can expect a check from the Mexican treasury department, so we can get started on the wall. it’s gonna be great. I may spend a lot of time talking out of my ass but if there’s one thing I know its walls.

Assange: Let me guess, number 3 is to finally put Hillary in prison where she belongs?

Trump: Hahaha

  Hahaha hahaha


Assange: …

As a matter of fact I was actually considering offering her a pardon. I don’t think the sound of a cell door closing day in and day out could possibly be worse than the sound of the doors closing on the Clinton Foundation forever, all the while wondering what her husband may be doing behind some bedroom door somewhere. Pardoning her would make it look like I still have some sort of compassion, even for dumb, evil bitches, AND if she accepted it, she would be admitting that she actually screwed up. WIN-WIN-WIN.

Obviously, I have thought about that subject quite a bit. That’s because I’m hoping to get some good “rubbing my new office in people’s faces time” later, but if I’m going to get around to that I had better get started with my tweets. Catch you on the flip side, Sanjay.

Lasange: It was an honor mr. President.

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